Why is it that in this life we are given to live all we can focus on is death? Death is something that controls the way we live, instead of being a simple reality to the end of a well-lived life, it becomes the reason to live. This makes no sense to me, well not anymore…
RIP to these beautiful souls who struggled with their journey, my heart wishes they got the help and support they needed.
There was a time in my life that I was obsessed with death, with finding out what happens next, with figuring out if this is all we have. Life seemed to be an endless string of pain with no release. Sometimes we reach a point in our lives where every door seems to be locked shut, personally, I feel maybe at this point we not pushing hard enough on these doors because all we WANT to see is no hope, a shut door. You reach that point where you just have no resilience to try, to try to see better than what’s right in front of you. All you can see is the murkiness that built up drowning you in a pool of self-regret and well, pity.
This next part is pretty personal and maybe a trigger for some, about three years ago I had reached the lowest of the low in my life. I desperately wanted to end my life, there was a bottle of turpentine on my table that I had bought for painting, I remember wanting to drink it, to end it all, because my curiosity was out of control. I wanted so desperately to find out what comes next. Although if what comes next is complete nothingness that would have been a pretty useless experiment. My mind could not move past the reality I grew up in, that we have just one purpose here, to get to heaven. It is difficult to form a new perception of the world we live in, well for me it was. From going from a complete mentality of ‘knowing’ everything that happened and will happen to realize that was all a fantasy world and there is just so much that you don’t know is a huge leap of the mind.
At the time my mind refused to see the beauty of my situation. Actually, all I could see was that life seemed pointless without a point based system, but when you are conditioned to think this way everything else that is possible in life seems pointless. All I could think about is finding answers, answers that so many don’t know about so they make up a comforting reality for themselves. Something that gives a new purpose, I will come back to my new found reality in a bit.
Somehow, mostly with the emotional support and love of my significant other, I passed the darkest ‘hour’ of this life. My friend Lydia recently quoted Rumi to me and it seems so significant to my life right now, ““The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” How beautiful is that, and how true is it. I feel like everything in this life that broke me down, made me more grateful for everything that I have in my life right now, to find a new path and purpose, one that aligns with my core beliefs and morals, one that is full of love.
My journey has not been a straightforward one, it has not been an easy one, for a long time after passing the suicide phase I still kept dying as a backup plan, I still thought, hey if life gets too difficult or out of my control I can just end it right. Death went from being my purpose to my back up plan. For 25 years of my life, I struggled with life, in all that time I felt that I was so tired of always fighting, in fact, that feeling made me give in to the people around me and that did not make me feel any better either. So whichever way I did I was battling my own demons and my body and soul were tired of the eternal struggle. The struggle of being unable to just breathe and be me without having to constantly justify it was my daily battle. It is difficult to reflect in writing the emotions felt at this personal point in my life, it is something you have to experience, it is a time in one’s life that is clouded with misery, where one is unable to see anything else. Staying stagnant at this point is detrimental and a sad point that many people face, I am glad that I had managed to be resilient enough to claw my way past that into a happier space. A lot of it can be attributed to my resilient nature and a lot of it can be attributed to the support team that I had around me during this time. I had so many people telling me that what I thought was impossible at that point in my life was more than possible, was achievable. People behind me cheering me on and pushing me even to make the changes I desperately needed to make at that time. Looking back I feel like life gives you sometimes violent nudges in a certain direction and if we refuse to see that direction the nudges can be more tortures than meant to be.
I am so grateful that I never gave up or gave in to my suicidal former self. My life has drastically transformed from being a ‘rebellious’ teenage daughter, to be an unsuccessful, unsatisfied Indian house wife to a disappointment to her family divorcee, to finally becoming the woman I wanted to be, leaving behind those trails of titles other people gave me. I am now a woman in love with travel, passionate about meeting people and hearing their stories. I now live to see what I can do to help others; how I can make this world that I live in right now a better place. I live to explore every inch of this planet I can possibly see, I live to learn or tamper with any new skill I can find, I live to laugh and cry with loved ones, to feel ultimate happiness and reality checks of despair, I live to feel every feeling I can possibly feel and take in every beautiful thing I can on this earth and in this life, I live to help bring light to people in despair and try in the tiniest way even to help those not as blessed as I am, ease their journey, I am grateful that I live. I am grateful to allow all the new realities and knowledge into my mind and live in the humility of my mantra, ‘The more I know the less I know.’
My life has opened up to me once I left all that was holding me back behind and now I realize, we don’t live to die, we live to love.