depression · mental illness · Uncategorized

Her Demon

She felt the monster grow inside her every day, but she continued to ignore it. Thoughts crowded her brain, haunted thoughts, dangerous thoughts. She never knew what to make of these thoughts. They fed her monster, made him stronger, as he got stronger he drained her. Each day she grew weaker and weaker. Eventually, she was too tired to function, getting out of bed was a mission she couldn’t handle. The thought of food made her feel ill. Haunted thoughts were all she needed to feed her dark soul. She thought, why am I here? My life is useless. I should just sink away into the darkness and let this darkness in my soul take over.

Finally, she submitted to her monster. He now controlled her relieving her from a sense of responsibility. Suddenly the dark world was attractive and all she wanted was darkness and solitude. She cut the cords of relatiınships she deemed useless. She vaguely communicated with those she deemed important, instead, she sought out her enemies and drew them close to her. Craving power she drew out their weaknesses. She knew what made them tick, dug on their insecurities, and drew out a long and painful vengeance on anyone that had hurt her soul.

Mavis was concerned with one specific enemy. Dianne was her name. The girl with long dark hair and a smile that looked chilling, maybe so chilling because it resembled the several knives Diane had stuck in Mavis’s back. Mavis allowed her demons to navigate through the revenge. Diane wanted someone to feed her ego, tell her how wonderful she was, all Mavis had to do was build Diane up and then she would gain her trust. So Mavis did exactly that, she gained Diane’s trust, she drew her close and learned her deepest secret.

Diane was pregnant, but it wasn’t her boyfriend’s child. It was her ex-boyfriend, a relationship that was complicated beyond repair. Diane was finally with a man of her dreams, a man that treated as well as she felt she needed to be treated. The plan was simple. With one recorded confession Mavis could publicly expose Diane for the fraud she was. Her perfect man will never trust her again, Diane could never truly be happy with the ex but he would know he is the dad. Diane would have no choice but to involve him, pushed to do the right thing. Finally, no one would trust Diane after this, people will finally see her for what she was. Mavis felt her chest burn with a desire for vengeance.

For the first time in days, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Past her matt, flat, wiry hair, her hollow eyes, her shrinking face and protruding cheek bones, pass all of this Mavis finally saw what she refused to see all this time. Instead of herself, she saw a monster, an unrecognizable version of who she had become. She broke down in front of the mirror and the burning desire in her chest transformed into an unrecognizable pain, finally, she lay on the floor and wept sorrowfully for what was. By trying to break Dianne she turned into something worse than Dianne. And now she didn’t know how to go back or if she even wanted to…

Awareness · depression · mental illness · Uncategorized

Depression is my normal

Think of a deep, dark whole, you falling into an everlasting sunken space, free-falling, the more you struggle and fight against it the more difficult the journey becomes but if you accept and submerge into this dark space you might eventually reach some ground, some stability. There might be something at the end of the dark space. This is what a depressive spell might feel like to some, an overwhelming feeling of sunken gloom that seems never-ending, but for some it’s a ride we wear off periodically. Let it flow till it is over. Sometimes you just have to let yourself feel and stop resisting that you feel sad, angry, anxious, feel it out, work it out and let the emotions ride through you until it’s done. Cry out a bucket or two, punch a punching bag until it’s tatterted and hanging by a thread, scream out until your lungs are exhausted but just let it all out.

 

Growing up I was thought to hide how I feel, wear a mask, pretend you happy all the time, pretend your life is perfect and let people think that it is. If you need to cry do it alone in a dark space where no one can see. If you angry suppress it until you become a ball of passive aggression and can not live with anyone. This is unhealthy, personally I think emotions need to be acknowledged, we all need to encourage each other to be human, to feel what we feel, to give ourselves a break. When did life become a competition of who’s smile is the widest, whose life seems the happiest, whose emotional stability is the most controllable. Maybe it’s time to redefine the norms of what emotional stability is. Maybe emotional stability should be projected our emotions in a healthy manner instead of stifling ourselves and pretending we are robots. We aren’t robots yet, we all still human.

 

For so many reason I hate the term ‘normal’. I think this term is setting up unrealistic expectations for so many of us. I wish I felt normal, I wish I had a normal life, I wish I was in a normal family. What is normal? If we could all individually create an idea of what normal is personal to our own lives, maybe we would find a happier more content space (Of course this does not apply to being in an abusive situation). Personally for me, living with depression is my normal, feeling things the way I feel it is my normal, not getting as excited about things way in advance is my normal. Once I accepted what normal means to me I am much more content and in tune with my emotions and life. I just enjoy being different and unique and this works for me. What works for you? What makes you feel ‘normal’?

depression · mental illness · Uncategorized

Dark Humour: My saving Grace

Her lips were smiling, you hear her giggling at silly things, she makes short, to the point jokes that make everyone around laugh or smile. Do you have that friend? That one person that is the funny one, but not just funny, she has a biting, sarcastic, edgy sense of humor that flows with such ease and grace that it’s hard to tell if she is really joking or serious. While enjoying her company and feeling at ease, having a good old laugh, have you ever looked into her eyes? Really looked into her eyes, her mouth smiles and laughs, but her eyes might be telling a different story. She could be a perfectly happy, jolly friend or there might be a lot going beneath the surface.

Humour is a brief and fleeting joy in life that can break many barriers.  It is a great tool, a saving grace, many people who suffer with a variety of mental illnesses chose to use humour as a way to make things around them feel more jovial than they truly feel on the inside. If the world around you looks better than you feel inside there is some balance to life. Imagine if you were on a sinking ship in stormy weather, and all you see for that moment is that you going to die! And then suddenly you see land ahead and you sigh a breath of relief forgetting that you still need to figure out how to get there without dying. This is what it feels like to live with depression but use humour as a defense, you feel like you constantly drowning but when you have the power to bring smiles to people around you, you realise that there is some hope out there and you have some, little power over your mind, you good for something, if you can’t find joy yourself at least you can bring it to others, but you still don’t know how to get yourself out of the dark. It’s momentary hope.

Maybe that’s why there is such joy in a childs laugh or smile, the innocence of a child reflects that their laughter and smiles are genuine and untainted. It takes us back to a time were laughter came easily and joyously, a time were the world was simpler and the mind untainted. A child’s smile is the ultimate hope that you will smile that way at some point, even if just briefly, for a fleeting moment, you would love to feel the joy and innocence of a child’s smile.

Why dark humour though? Perhaps because it is the hope that even in the darkness we can find hope. The edging, biting humour can be used as a way to let out frustrations of the mind while simultaneously bringing smiles and laughs to others, in personal experience this humour works best with true friends, others might become offended by it. There is nothing more comforting then being around close friends were you don’t have to monitor every word that comes out of your mouth, personally this is how one knows that they in the company of true friends.

My true friends love me despite my dead soul, sometimes even because of it, because it makes me who I am. It shaped me in many ways. What has shaped you? How do you stand out from the crowd or what makes you just like everyone else? So many things we think we experience in isolation are in fact experienced by many, reach out and find a way forward.

Awareness · depression · mental illness · Uncategorized

Who am I?

Who am I? Er, who are you reading my blog? I joke, you are welcomed here. Not sure what you would want to know about me, but I’ll keep this brief. This blog is to help people with depression feel less isolated as well as bring awareness to people who do not understand it as to what goes on in the mind of a depressed person.

Disclaimer though, this is all MY PERSONAL opinions and experiences, I claim no expertise, they are merely my musings!

Personally I have learnt to manage my depression, still aided with medication which I plan to stop when I am in a more stable environment. Other than that a great amount of self-awareness helps me manage my depression on a day-to-day level. 

So no, I am not a haunted ghost living in a dark closet. I am a normal person just like you that battles demons everyday, but I’ve made friends with my demons so they don’t control me. I hope you can do the same!

Enjoy my musings!